The blame game destroys relationships… both personal and professional.  When faced with a situation where we feel like we have been put at risk, we often seek to blame someone or something for the situation.  In our culture, it has almost become automatic.  The funny part is, we are all human beings which means that inevitably, we will make mistakes or poor choices that put us and our relationships at risk.  So we can either keep playing the game or figure out what are we going to do differently.  My name is Lise Gareau and I would like to share my thoughts on the blame game with you.

You know how toddlers often run into furniture and hurt themselves; well, have you ever heard someone say "Oh, did that mean table hurt you?"  Although this kind of statement works well to help distract children from their pain, it teaches them at an early age that they are not responsible for their own safety.  How about as they get older – a teenager steps over the line with a teacher and says something to the teacher he/she may regret.  Rather than owning up to having made a mistake, the chosen response is to blame the teacher.  Lets fast forward to a marriage relationship.  One adult comes home from work tired and hungry.  The other adult is busy getting ready for an evening commitment.  The tired and hungry adult lays a guilt trip on the other for not having a meal ready.  How about at work?  Some important document goes missing, the boss gets angry and everyone, whether they had something to do with the document or not, gets put under scrutiny.  The person who actually remembers anything about the document is immediately blamed and treated as incompetent.  Everyone involved is left with bad feelings.

So what do each of these situations have in common?  They all involve blame and guilt.  When we assign blame to someone or something we are avoiding self evaluation and accountability.  Dr. Steven Covey says that we are "response-able" meaning that we are able to choose our responses and yet we train our children from the very early stages of life that they are not responsible for what happens in their lives.  Dr. William Glasser teaches that although we are a product of our past, we are not victims of it unless we choose to be.  People choosing to be a victim of their circumstance and blaming their past and the people in it for their situation today.  What Dr. Covey and Dr. Glasser teach is that we can bring about change in ourselves – and therein lies the hope.  When we choose to take responsibility for our own situation.  We can create an environment that allows relationships to grow and flourish.

So what does this environment look like?  Let's rewrite the story of the toddler.  The toddler runs into the corner of the table.  The parent, while comforting the child, asks the toddler what he/she was doing.  Although the toddler doesn't speak well yet, they do understand simple concepts and so the parent tells a story to help the toddler think about what just happened suggesting that running without looking can be dangerous.  We all respond well to experiential learning, the hope is that, as we get older, we can learn from other peoples experiences.

Let's look at our teenager.  Some comment has slipped out that wasn't appropriate.  The teenager immediately senses that they have put themselves at risk.  The teacher has an opportunity at this moment to either increase or decrease the threat response in the teenager by managing the environment.  The typical response in my experience has been that the teacher feels the need to punish the bad behaviour.  This hurts the teacher, the student and their relationship not to mention the effect on the class, the school and the family because these things rarely ever go without followup.  So how do we flip this situation into a positive learning experience?  If the teacher is able to accept that students making social mistakes is part of the learning process, then the teacher is able to deal with the student rather than the attack on themselves.  By seeking these situations as opportunities to create positive learning experiences, the teacher will be able to effectively create a safe environment in which they can deal with the teenager's behaviour.  Once the teacher has framed the incident around the student rather than themself, the teacher needs to address the student's threat response.  Saying something like, "It sounds like you are quite frustrated, is there a problem?"  This type of response to bad behaviour reduces the need for the offender to save face thereby causing them to increase their attack.  Once the teen is calm, seeking an opportunity to discuss the bad behaviour in private will help to generate trust.  In private the teacher can ask questions to help the teen self evaluate… "When you make statements like that, what are you trying to do?"  "Are you getting what you want when you behave like that?"  "What might you do differently next time that will give you the outcome you are looking for?"  "Is there anything I can do to support you in making better choices?"

The process discussed for the teen applies to all environments where people have different levels of power : parent – child, boss – employee, between siblings, etc.  It is always the reasonability of the person with the most power to create the safe environment by reducing the threat response of others.  In the case of shared leadership such as between spouses and as team members, the responsibility is shared.  It only takes one person to adopt a leadership role to open the door to harmonious relationships.  That leader must have courage to act and think differently than the rest of the group.  Change takes time and patience.  By setting the example of how to get what you really want, others will take note and start imitating the leadership style.  We need to take a step back to see the big picture from time to time.  It allows us to see that supporting someone through normal human experiences always leads to better results than assigning blame and punishment.

I hope you have enjoyed this post.  If you are interested in creating good relationships at home or in your work environment, please check out www.lgsolutions.ca/coaching or www.lgsolutions.ca/training to see how LG Solutions might be able to assist you or your organisation.

Please feel free to post a comment.  I am always interested in what people have to say.